thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
