when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
