this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
