We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
