Cold hands, warm shart.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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