I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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