Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
