There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Hippo gnu deer
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
