I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
