I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
