who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
