we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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