im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
