You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
