I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
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