he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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