apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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