FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
