I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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