just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
