Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
