i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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