my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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