I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
