I accidentally had phone sex last night
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
