Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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