strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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