Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
