I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Sext me about skeletons
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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