Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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