Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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