why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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