I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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