That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
