you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
A+ Viking dick
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
