I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize