I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
