god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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