Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
