I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
