Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
