with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
