I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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