you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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