A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
