Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
