I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Come share oat with me in your robe
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
