There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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