I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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