When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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